DEALING WITH AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP

Listen up. The Daddy just got off the phone with a friend who is dealing with an abusive husband. Besides talking with her about the abuse, The Daddy emailed her info about domestic violence. This article by Helpline.org was the first one. It covers the following concerns:

• Understanding domestic violence and abuse
• Signs of an abusive relationship
• Violence is just one form of abuse
• Abusive behavior is a choice
• The cycle of violence
• Recognizing the warning signs
• Speak up if you suspect abuse
• Related links

Because this is domestic violence month, The Daddy suggests that you use the article below to learn more about this complex issue. For those of you who are aware of domestic violence, especially spousal abuse, use this article as The Daddy did to brush up on the issue. The Daddy will post other pieces later. Meanwhile, check this piece out.

Signs of an abusive relationship

Domestic violence and abuse can happen to anyone, yet the problem is often overlooked, excused, or denied. This is especially true when the abuse is psychological, rather than physical. Emotional abuse is often minimized, yet it can leave deep and lasting scars.

Noticing and acknowledging the warning signs and symptoms of domestic violence and abuse is the first step to ending it. No one should live in fear of the person they love. If you recognize yourself or someone you know in the following warning signs and descriptions of abuse, don’t hesitate to reach out. There is help available.

Understanding domestic violence and abuse

Domestic abuse, also known as spousal abuse, occurs when one person in an intimate relationship or marriage tries to dominate and control the other person. Domestic abuse that includes physical violence is called domestic violence.

Domestic violence and abuse are used for one purpose and one purpose only: to gain and maintain total control over you. An abuser doesn’t “play fair.” Abusers use fear, guilt, shame, and intimidation to wear you down and keep you under their thumb. Your abuser may also threaten you, hurt you, or hurt those around you.

Domestic violence and abuse do not discriminate. It happens among heterosexual couples and in same-sex partnerships. It occurs within all age ranges, ethnic backgrounds, and financial levels. And while women are more commonly victimized, men are also abused—especially verbally and emotionally.

Recognizing abuse is the first step to getting help

Domestic abuse often escalates from threats and verbal abuse to physical violence and even murder. And while physical injury may be the most obvious danger, the emotional and psychological consequences of domestic abuse are also severe. No one deserves this kind of pain—and your first step to breaking free is recognizing that your situation is abusive. Once you acknowledge the reality of the abusive situation, then you can get the help you need.

You don’t have to live in fear

If you are afraid for your safety or have been beaten by your partner:

• Dial 911 or call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-787-3224.
• Read Help for Abused and Battered Women: Domestic Violence Shelters, Support, and Protection

To read the other parts in the article, click here:

RAMONE, A HOMELESS KID THE DADDY CAN'T FORGET

"People grow old only by deserting their ideals. Years may wrinkle the skin, but to give up interest wrinkles the soul. You are as young as your faith, as old as your doubt; as young as your self-confidence, as old as your fear; as young as your hope; as old as your despair. In the central place of every heart there is a recording chamber. So long as it receives messages of beauty, hope, cheer and courage, so long are you young. "
--General Douglas MacArthur

Listen up. The Daddy received lots of accolades for his work with youth and gangs. But like many counselors and therapists, he thinks about those he was unable to help, those now hiding out on the streets, languishing in prisons or dead.

One such kid was Ramone. He hung out on the streets, he begged for money, he ate out of garbage bins, he broke into garages, and he robbed people. He came from a home where he was sexually abused by his step-father. Though warm with a refrigerator filled with food, home was the last place he wanted to go. Though he liked The Daddy, his counselor, Ramone seemed unable to shake the demons of his past, unable to go back to a world that valued materialism over human beings, hypocritical parenting and perverted pleasure over love. The last time The Daddy saw him he looked old. This inability to shake his demons and living on the street must have taken its toll.

After receiving a call from him (He said he just wanted to talk, but I think he just wanted to know if a brotha was still around in case he needed him), The Daddy sat in a coffee shop and wrote this first draft of a poem:

I’m a Bat/You an Insect -for Ramone
by Mac Walton

i hide out in daylight.
i pounce hard after dark from
a backseat on a subway, from a trashbin in a backyard.

2

i cling upside down to a ceiling in a dark cave.
i fly out to greet you after work.
your dog won’t bark welcome home.
your mom won't say goodbye at church.

3

Wednesday, you said, “Go to welfare.
It’s just around the corner.”

Thursday, You said, “You smell like garbage!”
In front of girlfriend Lynne.

Friday, You said, “Go away” after
whispering beneath your collar:
“Illegal aliens. Get a job.
Earn your own dollar.”

“got two, lady: taking out garbage;
feeding a lady friend.”

4

Now , my ceiling trembles.
my cave walls vibrate.
high heels tap concrete.
heavy coins jingle three houses up the street.

5

i’m a bat. you an insect.
Nostradamus pegged my life.
i’m a bat. you an insect.
i’m your last anti-Christ.

CYNTHIA TUCKER: DON'T ASK DON'T TELLL WILL BE RELEGATED TO THE DUSTBIN OF HISTORY

"With wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, it’s frustrating that the military still enforces a policy that punishes brave men and women who want to put their lives on the line for their country. But the tide is turning. Don’t ask, don’t tell will be abolished, assigned to the dust bin of history alongside “colored” water fountains and waiting rooms."
--Cynthia Tucker

Listen up. When Pulitzer Prize winning journalist and columnist Cynthia Tucker tells you something, you can take it to the bank. It's true. She has proven it many times. For example, to the dismay of many blacks, she revealed how the children of the late great Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. were bickering over the control of the family finances. Want more? To the outright hatred of some younger blacks, she blasted black gang culture: how it promotes misogyny, sexism, and violence, and is contributing to the destruction of black communities.

Now, the sistah is laying it down about the military's decrepit and dishonest President Clinton policy called Don't Ask Don't Tell. She says that even higher ups in the Pentagon are beginning to turn against it and, like "colored only" hotels and water fountains of U. S. southern apartheid, it will be relegated to the dustbin of history. Check it out.

The Pentagon’s transformation on gay soldiers

5:00 pm October 9, 2009, by ctucker

It hasn’t been that long ago — about 16 1/2 years — since Bill Clinton’s relationship with the Pentagon was permanently warped by his efforts to keep a campaign pledge to allow gay men and women to serve openly in the United States Armed Forces. The outcry from the military and its supporters was such that you’d have thought Clinton had promised to make Hillary a four-star general.

Looking back on all that, it’s nothing short of remarkable that the current issue of Joint Force Quarterly, a scholarly publication put out by the Pentagon, includes an essay that calls for ending the ban on allowing gays to serve openly. In fact, the essay, written by Air Force Col. Om Prakash, who currently works in the office of Defense Secretary Robert Gates, won the 2009 Secretary of Defense National Security Essay Competition.

That doesn’t mean every military officer supports his point of view. Indeed, inclusion of the essay in a Pentagon publication is hardly a stirring endorsement of gay soldiers by the Joint Chiefs of Staff. Nor does it suggest that the discriminatory and destructive “Don’t ask, don’t tell” policy can be dropped without controversy. Already, certain mossbacks are gearing up for another tirade against gay soldiers, despite Prakash’s conclusion that dropping the ban wouldn’t have a negative effect on combat readiness.

Elaine Donnelly, president of the Center for Military Readiness, has already prepared her talking points. “Society may have changed but the need for good order and discipline has not changed,” said Donnelly, who opposed allowing gays to serve openly in 1993. (Donnelly’s think tank is private; it is not affiliated with the Pentagon.)

But inclusion of the essay in a journal with a Pentagon imprimatur does show that top military officers no longer view the subject of gay soldiers, serving openly, as a non-starter. The battle for full equality for gays and lesbians has come a long way in a relatively short period of time, even in the nation’s most tradition-bound institution.

To read the rest of story click here.

ALL AMERICANS SHOULD BE PROUD PRESIDENT OBAMA WON THIS AWARD:

"To my mind, the most important aspect of the Nobel Awards is that they bring home to the masses of the peoples of all nations, a realization of their common interests. They carry to those who have no direct contact with science the international spirit."
--Irving Langmuir
"I do not feel that I deserve to be in the company of so many transformative figures that have been honored by this prize," he said. "I will accept this award as a call to action, a call for all nations to confront the challenges of the 21st century."
--President Obama

Listen up. Today, President Obama won the Nobel Prize. Though, even to him, he said he recognized that the award was not so much about his personal achievement but the leadership his administration has provided in helping to deal with some of the difficult issues in the world, such as nuclear non-proliferation, climate change, and getting people of different faiths and ethnicities to learn to live with each other.

Some who object say it's too soon. He hasn't done much. Check it: Mother Theresa didn't end the war between Israelis and Palestinians. She fed a bunch of children. She got an award. Dr. King didn't end racism in the United States. He provided leadership that ended apartheid in the American South. But he got nowhere in the North. He got the award. The point is: sometimes you don't get an award for a great achievement but for your leadership to achieve certain ends. For Mother Theresa, it was to end poverty. For Dr. King, it was to end poverty and injustice.

Some who object (Republicans) say President Obama hasn't done anything significant at home. Well, just off the top of my head, I remember that President Obama achieved the following:

* He changed the law to make it easier for women to file lawsuits against companies that refuse to provide equal pay for women who do the same work as men. This is the Equal Pay Act, the first law he signed.

* He provided a set of laws to provide greater protection for Americans against bands and other credit card companies. *He placed people with integrity in his administration, some of them fired by Karl Rove, foot soldier for Bush.

*He paid black farmers who were denied loans and cheated out of money for decades by the U.S. Agriculture Department.

*He lifted the Bush administration's 2001 ban on using government funding for stem cell research. The order ends the ban on federal funds for research using newly created embryonic stem cell lines.

*And here's something you want here about from the press: He has inspired many young children to study and to believe that they can get be someody important-- something other than a gangbanger or basketball player.

* And he is tried to bring healthcare reform to a country with many, if not most, politicians who are owned by insurance, hospital and drug companies. This is amazing. Most presidents who tried failed. President Bush knew he was too incurious and too insensitive to working class people to every try. And he's gotten farther than other president so far. So to say President Obama has made no achievements domestically shows not only a lack of knowledge of the presidents acccomplishments domestically; it also minimizes the significant importance of thos problems he solved or is trying to solve.

Beyond domestic accomplishments, the real accomplishments of President Obama was to set a new approach in dealing with world affairs. Even before he became president, President Obama began to provide leadership on difficult issues from a non-dominating, diplomatic framework. Obviously, world leaders were impressed.

What made President Obama's diplomatic approach stand out, of course, was the shoot first-cowoy, warmongeriing approach of the previous U.S. administration. World leaders welcomed this new American leader with such a cool and calm demeanor in a time of war and turbulence.

All Americans should be proud that President Obama won this award. It demonstrates that the world is beginning to respect American leadership again.

OCTOBER IS DOMESTIC VIOLENCE MONTH

"Abusers exploit, lie, insult, demean, ignore (the "silent treatment"), manipulate, and control...There are many ways to abuse. To love too much is to abuse. It is tantamount to treating someone as an extension, an object, or an instrument of gratification. To be over-protective, not to respect privacy, to be brutally honest, with a sadistic sense of humour, or consistently tactless - is to abuse...To expect too much, to denigrate, to ignore - are all modes of abuse. There is physical abuse, verbal abuse, psychological abuse, sexual abuse. The list is long. Most abusers abuse surreptitiously. They are "stealth abusers". You have to actually live with one in order to witness the abuse." from "What is abuse" by Sam Vaknin.

Listen up. The Daddy knows that some of you have heard that October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month. But it's also Domestic Violence Month. Both are important. We need to learn more about both. Toward that end, The Daddy received permission from fungkeblackchik to print this excellent article on how domestic violence hurts not only the intended victim but families and communities. Thank you, sister.

On top of October being Breast Cancer Awareness month, it is also Domestic Violence Awareness month. I’m sure some people may have known/or know someone who was/is a victim of domestic violence or maybe a victim themselves. The story you’re about to read is about a friend of mine, who I’ll call “Tricia”.

“My mother always told me that no man should ever lay his hands on a woman. My father always told me that any man who hit a woman was one of the biggest cowards to walk the face of the earth. So you’d think I would expect more out of a relationship?

Wrong.

My story is the typical love gone wrong. Sure he seemed like the perfect man. I didn’t want for anything and never had to ask for anything. I loved his family and his family took me in as one of their own. After our 2nd year of dating, we moved in with each other and talks of marriage was always a subject of conversation.

Literally, that night I didn’t know what hit me. Out of the blew, square to the right side of my face, his fist landed.

It was a normal night at home. I cooked dinner and we sat down as usual and ate together. For some reason I could see tension in his face and his usual tone was now monotone. I got up and gathered up the plates and started washing the dishes. As I was washing the dishes, I asked him what was wrong, once again.

“Nothing!”, he snapped back at me.

As I had my back turned to him, he approached me from behind and handed me my cell phone. He pulled up the address book and questioned why did I have my ex-boyfriend’s phone number in it. I explained to him that occasionally we still talk, because we still have a lot of friends in common.

That’s when he hit me.

All I remember was a dish dropping on the floor. He told me I had no reason in talking to him. In between tears I reassured him there was nothing going on. I couldn’t believe what happened. I was in shock. All over my phonebook.

He left the kitchen and went to bedroom and shut the door.

I was now a victim. My life flashed before my eyes. I could either stay or leave. It doesn’t take much for me to fear for my life and I picked leaving. The next day after he left for work, I packed my belongings and left.

He has not heard from me since.”

~Tricia

No one wants to become a statistic but occasionally it may happen to someone. Tricia became a statistic when her once loving boyfriend decided to lay his hands on her. Unlike a lot of women, Tricia didn’t give second chances. She knew after he hit her that she had to leave. Even though he begged and pleaded, she knew that she didn’t want to take any chances.

Below are some statistics in regards to violence against women:

• On the average, more than three women are murdered by their husbands or boyfriends every day.¹
• 92% of women say that reducing domestic violence and sexual assault should be at the top of any formal efforts taken on behalf of women today.²
• 1 out of 3 women around the world has been beaten, coerced into sex or otherwise abused during her lifetime.³
• 1 in 5 female high school students reports being physically and/or sexually abused by a dating partner. Abused girls are significantly more likely to get involved in other risky behaviors. They are 4 to 6 times more likely to get pregnant and 8 to 9 times more likely to have tried to commit suicide.³
• 1 in 3 teens report knowing a friend or peer who has been hit, punched, slapped, choked or physically hurt by his/her partner.⁴
• As many as 324,000 women each year experience intimate partner violence during their pregnancy. ⁵
• Violence against women costs companies $72.8 million annually due to lost productivity.⁶
• Ninety-four percent of the offenders in murder-suicides were male.⁷
• Seventy-four percent of all murder-suicides involved an intimate partner(spouse, common-law spouse, ex-spouse, or boyfriend/girlfriend). Of these, 96 percent were females killed by their intimate partners.⁷
• Most murder-suicides with three or more victims involved a “family annihilator” — a subcategory of intimate partner murder-suicide.Family annihilators are murderers who kill not only their wives/girlfriends and children, but often other family members as well,before killing themselves.⁷
• Seventy-five percent of murder-suicides occurred in the home.⁷

Thankfully there are women out there who realize that they don’t have to become a perpetual victim. They realize their own value and potential. For those women out there who continue to allow the abuse happen to them, you can only pray for them and offer them your support.

If you know of anyone who is being abused, pass on this number to them or make the call yourself:

1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
1-800-787-3224 (TTY)

The National Domestic Violence Hotline answers more than 19,500 calls per month from victims, survivors, friends and family members, law enforcement personnel, domestic violence advocates and the general public. Hotline advocates provide support and assistance to anyone involved in a domestic violence situation, including those in same-sex relationships, male survivors, those with disabilities and immigrant victims of domestic violence. All calls to the National Domestic Violence Hotline are anonymous and confidential.

1. Bureau of Justice Statistics Crime Data Brief, Intimate Partner Violence, 1993-2001, February 2003.
2. Progress & Perils: New Agenda for Women, Center for the Advancement of Women. June 2003.
3. Silverman, Jay G., Raj, Anita, and Clements, Karen. “Dating Violence Against Adolescent Girls and Associated Substance Use, Unhealthy Weight Control, Sexual Risk Behavior, Pregnancy, and Suicidality.” Pediatrics, August 2004.
4. Teenage Research Unlimited. Findings from study commissioned by Liz Claiborne Inc. to investigate the level of and attitudes towards dating abuse among American teenagers aged 13 to 18 [online] 2005 Feb [cited 2006 Mar 20]. Available from: URL: www.loveisnotabuse.com/statistics_abuseandteens.htm
5. Gazmararian JA, Petersen R, Spitz AM, Goodwin MM, Saltzman LE, Marks JS. “Violence and reproductive health; current knowledge and future research directions.” Maternal and Child Health Journal 2000; 4(2):79-84.
6. Costs of Intimate Partner Violence Against Women in the United States. 2003. Center for disease Control and Prevention, National Center for Injury Prevention and Control. Atlanta, GA/
7. Violence Policy Center (VPC), American Roulette: Murder-Suicide in the United States, April 2006.

THE DADDY'S MORNING INSPIRATION: THE CREATION BY JAMES WELDON JOHNSON

"I will not allow one prejudiced person or one million or one hundred million to blight my life. I will not let prejuce or any ot its attendant humiliations and injusticesbear me down to spiritual defeat. My inner life is mine, and I shall defend and maintain its integrity against all the powers of hell."
--James Weldon Johnson

Today, this Monday morning, the Daddy is feeling down. He's moving slowly and not even the extra strong cup of Juan Valdez's java he made has given him a lift.

When The Daddy is feeling low and feels he needs a spark, some inspiration, he resists the temptation to go out and by some good steet drugs and reads something inspirational, someone like "The Creation" by James Weldon Johnson.

Author, politician, diplomat, critic, journalist, poet, anthologist, educator, lawyer, songwriter, civil rights activists, Johnson was multi-talented in life and art. He wrote "Lift Every Voice and Sing, " considered the black national anthem. He was also one of the first African-American professors at New York University. He was also a professor of literature at Fisk University.This piece is taken from "God's Trombone," a book of black sermons.

"The Creation"

And God stepped out on space,
And he looked around and said:
I'm lonely -
I'll make me a world.

And far as the eye of God could see
Darkness covered everything,
Blacker than a hundred midnights
Down in a cypress swamp.

Then God smiled,
And the light broke,
And the darkness rolled up on one side,
And the light stood shining on the other,
And God said: That's good!

Then God reached out and took the light in his hands,
And God rolled the light around in his hands
Until he made the sun;
And he set that sun a-blazing in the heavens.
And the light that was left from making the sun
God gathered it up in a shining ball
And flung it against the darkness,
Spangling the night with the moon and stars.
Then down between
The darkness and the light
He hurled the world;
And God said: That's good!

Then God himself stepped down -
And the sun was on his right hand,
And the moon was on his left;
The stars were clustered about his head,
And the earth was under his feet.
And God walked, and where he trod
His footsteps hollowed the valleys out
And bulged the mountains up.

Then he stopped and looked and saw
That the earth was hot and barren.
So God stepped over to the edge of the world
And he spat out the seven seas -
He batted his eyes, and the lightnings flashed -
He clapped his hands, and the thunders rolled -
And the waters above the earth came down,
The cooling waters came down.

Top Then the green grass sprouted,
And the little red flowers blossomed,
The pine tree pointed his finger to the sky,
And the oak spread out his arms,
The lakes cuddled down in the hollows of the ground,
And the rivers ran down to the sea;
And God smiled again,
And the rainbow appeared,
And curled itself around his shoulder.

Then God raised his arm and he waved his hand
Over the sea and over the land,
And he said: Bring forth! Bring forth!
And quicker than God could drop his hand,
Fishes and fowls
And beasts and birds
Swam the rivers and the seas,
Roamed the forests and the woods,
And split the air with their wings.
And God said: That's good!

Then God walked around,
And God looked around
On all that he had made.
He looked at his sun,
And he looked at his moon,
And he looked at his little stars;
He looked on his world
With all its living things,
And God said: I'm lonely still.

Then God sat down -
On the side of a hill where he could think;
By a deep, wide river he sat down;
With his head in his hands,
God thought and thought,
Till he thought: I'll make me a man!

Up from the bed of the river
God scooped the clay;
And by the bank of the river
He kneeled him down;
And there the great God Almighty
Who lit the sun and fixed it in the sky,
Who flung the stars to the most far corner of the night,
Who rounded the earth in the middle of his hand;
This Great God,
Like a mammy bending over her baby,
Kneeled down in the dust
Toiling over a lump of clay
Till he shaped it in his own image;

Then into it he blew the breath of life,
And man became a living soul.
Amen. Amen.

------------

Primary Writings of James Weldon Johnson:

1. The Autobiography of an Ex-Coloured Man, 1912.
2. (Translator) Fernando Periquet, Goyescas; or, The Rival Lovers (opera libretto), 1915.
Fifty Years and Other Poems , 1917
3. (Editor) The Book of American Negro Poetry , 1922
4. (Editor) The Book of American Negro Spirituals , 1925
5. (Editor) The Second Book of Negro Spirituals , 1926
6. God's Trombones: Seven Negro Sermons in Verse (poetry), 1927
7. Black Manhattan (nonfiction) 1930
8. Along This Way: The Autobiography of James Weldon Johnson, 1933
9. Contributed articles and poems to the Chicago Defender, Times-Union, New York Age, New York Times, Pittsburgh Courier, Savannah Tribune, The Century, The Crisis, The Nation, The Independent, Harper's, The Bookman, Forum, and Scholastic.

FROM THE REBELLIOUS SIXTIES? YES, I REMEMBER: TWO POEMS

The Daddy grew up in the South. He lived in projects and old houses in essentially black neighborhoods in the inner-cities.

Click on people's faces in the photo to tag them.

When he was about ten, he lived about a block from a hospital. Blacks in the neighborhood didn't trust the doctors, nurses and staff who worked there and only went there in the event of an emergency. The women said they were "fixed;" their "tubes were tied" so they couldn't have children again. The men said they weren't given proper care, and they treated rudely. However, the older men, drunks, and addicts would sit on benches just off the front entrance, drinking cheap liquor, nodding, or sleeping.

The Daddy thought about this hospital which was in his neighborhood but was no part of the neighborhood-- this hospital which, except for a few janitors and cleaning ladies, was staffed totally by white people at the time. He thought about the older black men occupying benches below administrative offices peopled by young white males (No blacks, no females) who were literally climbing up escalators of success. Then he wrote this poem entitled "where i live."

where i live

1
where i live
vicious dogs bark loudly at
smiling couples strolling past then
crawl meekly back under the house when
alpha owner buses home at the end of day.

2
where i live
homeless men with stomachs empty and coats rain-soaked
medicate aching backs, stained teeth and tired bones
with swigs of red Gallos straight from a dirt-stained box while
averting eyes from Gradys, which won't help unless
they drink themselves a minute closer to death.

3
where i live
phrases like "quality care" and "community health" flow like
red Gallos from empty suits high up escalators as
neighbors just below sit on weather-beaten benches
averting their eyes from Gradys, retreating into
Gallo boxes, lifting their heads to an ever darkening sky but
seeing nothing in particular.

YOU CAN'T KILL A REVOLUTION; YOU CAN ONLY KILL A MAN!

"Shoot, you cowards! You can't kill a revolution. You're only going to kill a man!"
--Che Guevara, Bolivian revolutionary

The Daddy's new book, The Sixties? Yes, I Remember, was written in memory of Emmitt Till, the 14 year old black boy from Chicago, Illinois. While visiting relatives in Money, Mississippi, Till allegedly whistled at a white woman in a grocery store. Later that evening, he was pulled out of his bed, beaten to death, and his body was thrown in the Tallahatchie River.

This act angered Americans, white and black, and galvanized the country. Many blacks who had refused to register to vote out of fear, now registered in droves. American had had enough.

IN MEMORY OF EMMITT TILL,
ANOTHER MANCHILD IN THE PROMISED LAND
CUT DOWN MUCH TOO SOON

Black male, curious youth
Galvanizer of a movement to reclaim humanity
Sometimes, when I walk along the banks of the Mississippi
I hear your hands push above the water, makng waves still

I see your muscled black right arm
Jump out of water, soar above the fog
Clinch your right hands tightly and
Thrust it high into the sun
(But only for a second) then
Descend just as quickly back into the hole
From which you came, making waves still

Above the hole
I see the wind gather steam, spin in circles then
Skip across the water and circle the shore as if to say:

"I'll never let you forget."